(I promise, my next post will be a business/PR post. You can stop emailing me, and let me enjoy this weird phase of posting for the time being. Luvs, bc)
Watching all these celebrities die recently and seeing the subsequent funerals has made me rethink my own.
I’ve been to many, too many, funerals and all of them sucked. Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand that it’s part of a grieving process and a chance for people to pay their last respects. But the atmosphere and the way most go about the proceedings is all wrong.
It’s all designed to bum people out. The big creepy casket, the corpse plastered with makeup, people wearing black and weeping…I want no part of this.
If you’re a Christian, or person of just about any faith, death is simply a passage to something greater. Christians are taught that to live is to suffer and to die is to be freed. So while everyone is weeping and mourning, theoretically the deceased is having a blast in heaven.
When someone dies there should be a celebration of that person’s life, not a sad tearfest to honor the death.
With that in mind, hereby witness my wishes, to be carried out immediately upon my death:
I, Brandon Carter,being of sound mind and body, do hereby issue the following decrees to the caretakers of my body.
-If I have died in a manner that hasn’t caused great disruption to my apperance, I shall be re-illustrated for the following week and made to appear living by two comrades, who will carry me around on their shoulders and wave my arms and head around, as if I were constantly, severely intoxicated. They shall tell no one that I am dead, but instead find great gain by manipulating me for the purpose of accessing my beach house and yacht.
They should be warned that while I amassed great wealth during my life, I also amassed a tremendous amount of enemies. This list includes Colombian drug lords and Cuban pimps. They are looking to kill me and may kill those who act as my ventriloquists. Don’t let this stop you though.
Example of a typical activity you and my corpse may engage in
-There shall be a celebration, a gathering of friends, in which live music and refreshments will be enjoyed. If available, please book Mastodon. If Mastodon is unavailable, see if the old Stephen Speaks will reunite. If that doesn’t work, get the Air Guitar guy.
After all the partying is done, alert the crowd that I have indeed died, and then manipulate my arm to be extended, so as to receive high fives from people as they exit.
Shortly afterward, I’d like to be cremated. Don’t put my ashes in some ornate urn, a Skoal can or something similar would suffice and that way I would be portable. Please do not bury my ashes, as I’m trying to avoid being in the ground. Please don’t display the ashes on a mantle or bookshelf; that’s just creepy.
If you want to disperse my ashes, pick a nice place in Oklahoma. Not Western Oklahoma; that’s an awful place. Somewhere in the eastern half of the state, with trees and ponds and things of that sort. No football fields, as some of me may go in the stands and we all know that the stands are full of drunken, self-loathing louts. And not Kiefer, Oklahoma, as that place is filthy. And Arkansas. Who knows what they’d do with me there.
Failure to obey by my wishes will grant you a lifetime of haunting, and no I’m not talking about rattling chains in your attic. I’m talking about full-on mock beheadings and dressing up like a clown and dragging you under the bed haunting.
If I die of dismemberment or something else that leaves me disfigured, then please ignore the Weekend at Bernie’s Clause and just send me straight to the fire.
I consider myself a college football savant. Those of you who have started reading this blog for the PR posts will discover very soon that in the fall I am a different person.I have very few obsessions in life, and football is probably the biggest one. College football is damn near a religion to me, so expect many posts about it once September rolls around.
The good news for everyone else is I’m a reasonable, level-headed fan with an appreciation for the history of the game. I do go insane for the Oklahoma Sooners and Tulsa Golden Hurricane, but I find myself quite reasonable when it comes to objectively analyzing these teams (pats self on back).
I’m NOT this guy
So I can appreciate your teams while acknowledging my own teams’ weaknesses. Isn’t that nice?
With that in mind, I’ve decided to draw up my 2009 Top 25. Unlike other services you see, this is NOT based on who I think is going to win the national championship, but I think are the top 25 teams TODAY.
Point of contention here – I listen to a lot of experts talk about “strength of schedule” or the “strength of the conference” when explaining their rankings and quite frankly that has NOTHING to do with an opening top 25. In fact, I think those things factor in on late-season rankings and maybe only the final ranking. How good the SEC is this year has nothing to do with Florida’s Day One Top 25 ranking. The fact that OU has the toughest non-conference sked in the Big XII has nothing to do with how good the Sooners will be on day 1.
“But my top 25 is a prediction of what I think the top 25 teams will be at the end of the year!”
Then maybe you shouldn’t have a top 25, holmes. There is no caveat on the ballot (as far as I’m aware) instructing voters on what the criteria is, so I won’t go any further on this…but my interpretation is the top 25 is a week-to-week assessment of the top 25 teams in the nation at that point in time.
Thinking of how teams will look on day one of the season, these are who I think the top 25 in the nation are…
1. Florida Gators – there is no argument here. Saint Tebow and Co. are loaded again this year on both sides of the ball. While his Tebowness gets all the pub, (and statues, and panties) it’s the defense that wins games. No further evidence is needed beyond last year’s title game against…
2. Oklahoma Sooners – Yes, I’m a little biased, but the components are there for greatness: Bradford, two returning 1,000-yard rushers in Murray and Brown, the nation’s best TE in Gresham, maybe the best DL in the nation, two experienced CBs and good prospects filling holes. The OL is going to be raw, but like the QB position, OU coaches have proved they can recruit and train players at this position every year. Plus, God loves OU.
3. Texas Longhorns – They suck in the overall sense but will be very good in the football sense. Mack Brown’s clapping, spitting and doing interviews during other people’s games have not hampered Colt McCoy, who is a tough little booger. They’ve got a lot of question marks, particularly the DL, but they’ll be a force just like every year. And yes me having them at #3 means I like OU in the Cotton Bowl this year.
4. USC Trojans – Normally I’m very hard on teams that are breaking in a new QB, particularly a freshman QB like Aaron Corp, but this team is so loaded at every other position thanks to USC’s open-door policy toward agents. Taylor Mays is like Troy Palomalu without all the cheap shots.
5. Alabama Crimson Tide – Running game is good, defense is great, line will be good enough, legendary head coach who looks like Huey Lewis. They were a quarter away from playing for the national title, with a pedestrian at QB. They’ll be there again this year so long as McElroy doesn’t turn the ball over hyperactively.
The Saban-Huey Lewis Connection
Also: Saban as Bill Lumbergh.
6. Virginia Tech – This is the same team we’ve seen every year from Va Tech, sans the Vick years. Tough defense, great special teams, average offense. They won’t win a championship, but they’re be a tough out every year. Look for them to start out around here, fall way down after an inexplicable loss, then somehow end up here again after beating some Big East patsy in a BCS game.
7. LSU Tigers – This is one school where I just assume the talent will win them a lot of games, despite the fact they have an untrained wildabeest acting as the head coach.
Arrrghhh gabberbabbin nergen tarko doogaber!
8. Ohio State Buckeyes – Conventional wisdom has this team way up top due to the weakness of the Big Ten and the likelihood they’ll breeze through the conference unscathed. See my comments above. They’re good and will win the conference, but Terrelle Pryor needs another year (though he’ll improve a TON this year) of growth and the defense has to be more consistent before I move them up (I’m sure they’re desperate to impress me). I also predict they lose to USC at home in week two. Look for Jim Tressell to get busted for meth at some point too. Dude has to have some cracks in the sweatervest.
9. Oregon Ducks – This is probably higher than most folks will rank them, but I think they’ll be damned good, especially after solidifying the QB spot with Masoli at the end of the season. Blount will be a good RB and the defense is beyond serviceable. The defense, as always, will be big when it needs to and disappear at times too. After writing that, I’m not sure why I have them so high. They’ll be very good though. Also: Masoli continues the Chase Daniel legacy of dorky white dude with a chin beard.
CHIN STRAP BEARD
10. Mississippi Rebels – I’m not as ready as everyone else is to buy into the Rebels hype, mainly because I think it builds off of two impressive wins from last season – at Florida, Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl
11. Georgia Tech – I love the old school option and while some people think it won’t be as good this year after opponents have had a year to see it, I think it’ll be even better. Two reasons – 1. Another year of seasoning for the guys running it and 2. The difference between Nebraska and Air Force running the option is talent. GT has way more talent than Navy did, and that’ll be pretty evident this year for Paul Johnson’s crew.
12. Nebraksa Cornhuskers – Another team I’ll have higher than most folks will. Why? There’s nothing to do in Nebraska except college football, and Bo Pelini gets that. Bill Callahan tried to change that – Beau Bridges lookalike contests, interpretive dance, homeless strangling were some of his community initiatives – but failed miserably. They’re a year or two away from contending nationally, and they’ll take a whupping from OU at home this year, but they’ll also surprise you with how good they are.
13. Notre Dame – Yeah, I’m a jerk for having them this far up here. My reasoning: they get a boatload of talent, and Charlie Weis wastes it. This is me hedging my bets on a slight resurgence to maybe 9 or 10 wins. Which would be enough to get them into a BCS bowl, where a rabid SEC runner-up will be waiting to tear apart their innards.
14. Oregon State Beavers – Jacquizz Rogers and his brother (whose name I’m too lazy to Google) are both dangerous and as long as Moivaio can keep the ball in the stadium I think this OSU will be dangerous. Few others have them in the top 25, I’m putting them in my top 15, lawya.
15. Penn State Nittany Lions – They’ll be good, but not great due to inexperience at a lot of positions. That being said Penn St is one of those schools that replaces talent with more talent. They’re perfect for this 15 slot, because it says “I like you a lot, and maybe even enough to take you home. But I wouldn’t want you to stay for longer than a couple hours.”
16. Oklahoma State Cowboys – They’ve got a lot of offensive firepower, but still no defense to match it. The opening game against Georgia in Stillwater will be a huge test that, if passed, earns them a ton more credibility. What loses them credibility is the molester nightmare fuel mascot, Pistol Pete.
17. Texas Tech – the dread pirate Leach keeps improving the situation down in Lubbock. Out goes Graham Harell, in comes another robo-QB, ready to throw for 50 touchdowns and 10,000 yards. Tech now competes against UT and OU for top talent in the state of Texas, and these kids will be moving into key roles on both sides of the ball. They’re not sailing away any time soon.
18. Cal Golden Bears – Jahvid Best is one of the better running backs in the nation. Ha! See what I did there? Oh, and Nate Longshore is gone, and so is the whipping boy of Cal fans.
19. Cincinnati Bearcats – Another team with a great offense and puny defense. Still, that offense is damned good. How good, you ask? I just told you: Damned good.
20. Georgia Bulldogs – They have to replace way too much from a team that wasn’t even that great to begin with. Richt is a good coach, but might be Frank Beamer – very good each year, but probably never a championship. Which isn’t awful. He’s ready and waiting for Mark Harmon to retire from that awful NCIS show, which could hurt recruits who have ever ventured outside and away from their television.
21. North Carolina Tar Heels – Butch Davis is getting his John Calipari on, spending big bucks to get the big players to a school not traditionally known for winning. Soon he’ll take his golden spaceship to a bigger gig (hello, Notre Dame!), but in the meantime he’s put together a good unit at UNC. I bet Jordan shares his collection of co-ed booty with Davis when Charles Oakley is out of town.
Welcome to Mid-Major Row (this wasn’t intentional, I swear)
22. Texas Christian Horny Toads – These guys are tough, as BYU and others learned last year. They’ve got Texas talent, thanks to A&M taking the decade off, and a coach who is vaguely aware of what he’s doing in Gary Patterson. They took Utah to the wire and shut down OU’s run game in losses last year. I think they win the MWC this year, and earn their trip to a BCS game.
23. Boise State Broncos – I always find this a tough team to read. They beat OU in what was the game of the century for them a couple years back, but it was really the only big, national stage game they’ve ever had. You can’t get up like that for every game, especially in the WAC, which is the conference of the Sisters of the Poor, and Utah State, who even has the pity of the sisters of the poor. That being said, put them up against any of these teams with a few weeks to prepare, and they’ll compete.
24. BYU Cougars – Similar to Okie State, BYU has a lot of talent, but lacking in defense. I think last year proved that against the Wyomings, Utah States and other slow, plodding teams, they can dominate. When matched up with speed, BYU looks lost (see: TCU, Utah). Having tough, hard-working walk-ons makes for great stories and gritty players, but it makes for a very, very vulnerable defense. Still, their white guys are generally better than your white guys, so there’s that.
25. Utah – Yeah they were awesome last year but Brian Johnson was a special player that will be hard to replace – particularly if the answer is Corbin Louks, more of a running QB than the thrower that Johnson was. They do however have a salty defense that returns one of the better secondaries. And their unis are made by Under Armour, who despite having European tendencies in their spelling preferences, tend to have cannibalistic American themes in their advertising:
Those are my thoughts. I could be wrong, but you’re probably wrong too. Please share your venom and blessings in the comments, if you could.
In case you haven’t been paying attention or just don’t care about sports, there is a massively important lawsuit beginning soon that could affect college sports on several levels.
In short: Sam Keller was a QB at Arizona State and then Nebraska. A pretty good player, but not a guy with much hope of playing in the NFL and making the millions associated with that league.
EA Sports is a video game producer known for it’s outstanding sports titles, most notably the Madden and NCAA Football series.
The NCAA of course is the main governing body over collegiate athletics and is known for their brutal enforcement of rules designed to keep their athletes “amateurs” and not paid pros, at least while they’re in college.
Keller has filed a class action lawsuit against EA and the NCAA recently seeking compensation for the fact both profited greatly using his and other players’ likenesses in NCAA Football games.
Why? Because of coincidences like this:
NOT TIM TEBOW
It’s just a coincidence that Florida has a white, left-handed QB wearing number 15 that is 6-2, 238. After all, private entities can’t make profits off current players, right? (Unless they’re the NCAA, of course)
I’ll admit I’m conflicted about this case. On one hand, I love the video game and like the fact that I’m playing with the actual players. If there were no similarities to real players, and OU had 5-10, 180 weenie Harold Haroldson at QB then yeah, the game would lose some of it’s luster.
But the rule is the rule – athletes can’t profit from their likenesses during school and no one outside their school and the NCAA is supposed to be able to as well.
If the NCAA wants to keep this rule, they’d better win this case. Because if Keller and co. win, there’s going to be a lot of fallout.
Consider this: What if the courts rule in the players’ favor and suddenly the NCAA is obligated to reimburse current and future players? I guarantee you not only would anything resembling the actual players would pop up in the games, but there will also be a domino effect on other licensed products.
I mean, is it any coincidence that stores that sell team apparel are suddenly moving a lot of Florida #15 jerseys? Is there some kind of renaissance for Brian Haugabrook unis? Or #14 from Oklahoma, #12 from Texas?
Gone from your local Foot Locker. If those are still around. Are they?
How about the ESPN commercial for their iPhone app that has a glimpse of Tebow?
The truth is, there’s no shortage of people making money off these kids, and the kids get nothing in return. Yes, they do receive a free education and all the chicks a man could stand, but does that compare to the millions of dollars that private companies have made off their likenesses?
The truth is, I don’t know where to stand on this one. On one hand, I think Sam Bradford should receive some of the money Reebok made selling items clearly intended to portray him.
But I also know the intentions of the NCAA in protecting the “amateur” status of student-athletes. If Tim Tebow is making millions (which he could be, although he isn’t at USC) then there’s nothing amateur about him.
I want to be able to play as Bradford in the game. But I also want Bradford to be able to enjoy his share of the booty. I can’t decide what side to be on, but it will be fascinating to watch it play out. Let’s just hope it doesn’t wreck the best sport in the universe.
What a couple of weeks we’ve had in terms of famous deaths. It seems like every year there are a couple dozen celebrities that pass away, but I can’t really recall such a continuous string over the course of 14 days.
The unfortunate side product of all this is Joe Blow grandstanding. Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for the power of the individual, the noteworthiness of the Average Joe. I think the regular guy who works 10 hours a day in a steel mill and takes care of his family is more important to the universe than the guy who gets paid $12 million for 30 days of work on a film set.
But when someone, anyone dies, plenty of people feel it’s within their rights to declare judgment on the deceased. Usually this might have been your septuagenarian grandmother whispering to her bingo club that ole Shirley was a bit of a tramp, but in these days of social media and instant punditry, the rhetoric has taken a venomous and public turn.
(I was going to insert a screen cap of some really sad stuff being posted on Twitter, but I don’t want the person gaining any more than their existing 5 followers)
Does it matter that Steve McNair was cheating on his wife with a 20 year-old when she (or her boyfriend) shot him? Sure it does. It’s sad and those details will only make it harder on the family he left behind.
Does it give you the right to parade around calling out what a horrible person you think he was, while at the same time playing up your own morality? No, it doesn’t.
Well, you have the right, legally. It does make you kind of douchey.
Was he an awful family man? I don’t know. I do know that he probably wasn’t any worse than a lot of us are – from the workaholic that puts in 60 hours a week at the expense of family time to the guy who plops his kid down in front of the TV as a substitute for real time with the child.
I’m guilty of both of these. At least McNair will leave his kids several generations worth of wealth. Nathan probably won’t get that from me and I surely didn’t get it from my mother, who killed herself when she was my age.
Want to make some judgments on me and my family? It may not get you Twitter followers, but if it makes you feel better about yourself…maybe just wait until I’m dead?
While people are alive and there is change that can be affected, then let’s talk intelligently about these flaws in public figures and demand better behavior from them. Michael Jackson probably did some weird stuff with kids, based on his payoffs in court, but the justice system did what it’s supposed to do and somehow he got off. He’s dead and screaming “pedophile” at the top of our lungs does no one any good. What happened is between him and his victims, and God.
Same with McNair. Let’s celebrate what these people did in life – both of these figures did things that gave me great joy, personally.
If you’re so concerned about McNair’s family, drive up to Nashville and offer to cook them dinner or help with chores. It’ll do everyone a lot more good than preaching a hateful sermon to a wall.
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A quick note about Robert McNamara, the former Sec. of Defense and President of Ford Motor Company – the book it told a story about how he chastised his wife for doing something a lot of us do: opening a letter, reading the contents, then placing the letter back in the envelope. McNamara saw this as a total waste of time and energy. Dude was raw like that.
